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OR 



Price 6d. » cents 



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FPE-XH'S ACTING EDITION. 



Ml 'M. wnnniiriWDHDiluWOMDWDBDMDl 



"D.H.S." 

LUCIE CONWAY. 

The AMATEUR FEE for each representation of this piece 

is 42s., payable in advance to SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd., 

26, Southampton Street, Strand, London, W.C. 



I ONBOX : 

SAMUEL I'EENCH, J ti>., 

PUBLISH i us, 

26, SOUTHAMPTON &TREET, 

STRAND. 



New York: 

SAMUEL FRENCH, 

PUBLISHER, 

28, WEST 38TH STREET. 



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BETWEEN THE SOUP 
AND THE SAVOURY 

GERTRUDE JENNINGS. 



Originally produced at the Playhouse, London, under 
the management of Mr. Cyril Maude and the direction of 
the Author, on October 19, 1910. 



Cook (Maria) • • Mise Margaret Murray. 
Twm PabijOUBICAJD (Ada) • Mies Maud* Buchanan* 
Vhb KnomrMAiD (Emily) • Mist Ethel Rose. 

Soiam. — Whe Kitchen. 

Tim*. — Evening, during the serving of dinner. 



One Act, 
Price 6d. 



jo minute* 
in repreeen 
Ution. 



One Scene. 



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One Guinea. 



- 



"D. H. S." 

A FARCICAL SKETCH 



By 

LUCIE CONWAY 



Copyright, 191 3, by S 



Wuel French, Ltd. 



New York 1 London 

SAMUEL FRENCH SAMUEL FRENCH, Ltd 

Publisher | 26 Southampton Street 
28-30 WEST 38TH STREET STRAND 






<^c 



A 






A 



§)CLD 35287 
^0/ 



" D. H. S." 

Produced on June I, 1913, at the Clavier Hall 
Hanover Square, London. 

CHARACTERS : 

Jack Bolton. . . . Mr. Geoffrey Saville. 
Nellie Ross . . . Miss Lucie Conway. 

Stella Duncan . . . Miss Janet Hope. 

Scene. — A quiet spot outside a ball-room. 



The Fee for each and every representation of this 
play by Amateurs is Ten Shillings and Sixpence, 
payable in advance to — 

Messrs. SAMUEL FRENCH, LTD., 

26, Southampton Street, 
Strand, London, 

or their authorized representatives. 

No performance may be given unless a written 
permission has first been obtained. 

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performance of plays contained in French's list may 
be hired or purchased reasonably from Messrs. 
Charles H. Fox, Ltd., 27, Wellington Street, Strand, 
London. 



" D. H. S." 

Scene.— A quiet spot outside ball-room. 

{Enter Nellie. She looks round, sees nobody is there, 
and goes to looking-glass and begins to powder her 
faee. Jack's voice heard outside. Nellie comes 
down stage to meet him.) 

Jack. How nice you look ; that's a new dress. 
I'm so glad I found you at last. I was so anxious to 
ask you your 

Nellie. Yes, yes, Jack, but don't you think we 
might sit down ? 

Jack. Sit down. (Stopping.) Oh yes, of course. 
(Leads her to arm-chair.) 

Nellie (sitting). That's better ; now tell me all 
about it, and first and foremost, have you done it ? 

Jack. No, I simply couldn't pluck up courage. 

Nellie. You foolish youth; can't you see you're 
wasting valuable time ? Go at once and get it over, 
and let me be the first to congratulate you. 

Jack. You think she'll say yes ? 

Nellie. She's sure to, so run away, and good luck 
to you. 

Jack. Well then, here goes. (Goes as far as 
door, then turns back.) I say, Nell, you will wait here 
for me, won't you ? 

Nellie. What for ? 

Jack. Why — to congratulate me, of course. 

Nellie. How long will you be ? 



t> "D. H. S." 

Jack. Proposing ? Can't say exactly, but should 
think about a quarter of an hour. 

Nellie (looking at programme). I think I can 
manage that, but don't be too long, as I have some 
important dances later on. 

Jack. I'll do my best. Ta ta. 

(Exit.) 

(Nellie gets up, looks round room, then settles down 
again and brings out a letter, reads it to herself and 
laughs.) 
Nellie. Poor dear, I think I've kept him dangling 

long enough. Ah, well ! (Laughs.) 

(Enter Jack.) 

Oh, bother ! (Puts letter back quickly.) You have 
been quick. 

Jack. It's no good, I'm in such a state of nerves 
that I thought I'd come back to you and calm down a 
bit before I actually 

Nellie. Popped the question. 

Jack. Yes, that's about it. 

Nellie. My dear cousin Jack, you're a silly fool. 

Jack. My dear cousin Nell, that's not the question. 

Nellie. I know one thing, if I were a man I 
wouldn't be so chicken-hearted, I'd just out with it. 

Jack. Would you ? How would you like to be 
refused, my dear ? 

Nellie. Wait until you are. 

Jack. No, that's just what I don't want to do. 

Nellie. Why don't you take the bull by the 
horns, tell her you love her (if you do). 

Jack. Of course I do. I love her face, her form, 
her beautiful black hair. 

Nellie. Last time it was a fair girl ; now which 
do you like the best, dark girls or fair ? 

Jack. My dear Nell, you ought to know ; you've ■ 
been both. 

Nellie. Jack ! 



" I). H. S." 7 

Jack. I beg your pardon. 

Nellik. Well then, ask her to marry you ; it's 
simple enough. If the worsl comes to the worst, she 
can only say no. 

Jack. You think she will ? 

Nellie. You've asked me that question before; 

Jack. Have I ? My nerves are all to ribbons. 
You girls don't know what we men suffer in eases like 
these. 

Nellik. Don't we ? 

Jack. No, of course not. All you've got to do is 
to listen 

Nellie. And to wait! No, my dear Jack, I have 
no patience with the bashful lover ; my sympathy 
goes out to the poor girl waiting in awful suspense 
for a question that doesn't seem ever to be coming. 

Jack. Selfish brutes. 

Nellie. How about men ? 

Jack (sound of anisic). Hallo, did you hear that ? 
That's another dance. 

Nellie. Yes, you ought to have settled up before 
the supper dance. If you don't take care you'll miss 
your chance. 

Jack. If only I could get started. That's the rub. 

Nellie. Really, Jack, you haven't the courage of 
a fly. I dare say you'd like me to go with you and 
hold your hand while 

Jack (very offended). That's so like a girl, never 
able to take anything seriously and, besides, Nellie, I 
don't know if you intended to be funny, but that 
remark of yours was utterly beyond the point. Per- 
haps you are not aware that I have earned for myself 
the reputation of being H.S. 

Nellie. H.S. ! What's that ? Horribly stupid ? 

Jack. Do you mean to tell me that you don't 
know the meaning of H.S. or D. H.S. ? 

Nellie. No. 

Jack. Why, Damned Hot Stuff, of course. (Walks 
about with an air of pride.) 



8 "D. H. S." 

Nellie. Damned Hot Stuff ! I don't think that 
sounds quite nice. 

Jack. I assure you it's used in the very best 
society. Only last night, coming out of the Club, I 
heard (Tells a story.) 

Nellie. I've heard quite enough, thank you. 

Jack. I only want to explain. 

Nellie. That's enough, thank you, and whether 
it's right or wrong it doesn't seem to help you much 
just now, does it ? 

Jack. Oh, but it will. 

Nellie. I'm glad to hear it. (Crosses stage.) I 
could make love splendidly. 

Jack. Could you ? 

Nellie. Rather. 

Jack. How would you do it ? 

Nellie. First of all I'd go up to the girl and ask 
her for a dance ; then I 'd waltz once round the room, 
and I 'd lead her away to a secluded spot, and we'd both 
sit down (they sit), and I'd sec she had a cushion (Jack 
picks up cushion). Then I'd take her hands and look 
into her eyes and say— 

Jack. Yes^ what ? 

Nellie (acting). " Perhaps you won't believe me 
when I tell you that you're the nicest girl I've ever 
met " 

Jack. That's rather good, but how did you know ? 

(Nellie smiles.) 

Go on. 

Nellie. After that you propose. 

Jack. Let me hear the whole thing — the first bit 
was so natural. 

Nellie. H'm, taken from life, you see. Then 
I'd pause for a second and see how she takes it ; she'll 
either make some trivial remark about it being 
draughty and ask you to fetch her cloak (then you 11 
know it's all off), or else she'll say nothing. That's a 
good sign ; it means she wants to hear more. 



"D. H. 8." 9 

Jack. Is that so ! 

Nellie. Quite. Then you have the cards in 
your own hands, and you play them something like 
this : " Dearest, you know wh;i . I'm going to say to 
you, you must have seen it in my eyes for the last 
few weeks. I love you, as T have never loved before. 
You are my living ideal of all that is noble and true. 
Don't let me wait in suspense any longer. Say that 
my love is returned, darling, say it." 

Jack (excited). Yes 

Xellie. " The thought that I might lose you has 
been torturing me. Listen, and I'll tell you what you 
are to me. You are my guiding star ." 

Jack. Guiding star ! What's that ? 

Nellie. Don't interrupt ! (Going straight on.) 
" You're like a flower, a little wayside flower to the 
weary wanderer, telling him to hope again, making 
day out of night, chasing sorrow away, carrying me 
on, on into a dreamland, and now with your lips, 
your own dear lips, you make, me the happiest of 
happy mortals. 

(Jack kisses hey.) 
Jack f! ! 

(Enter Stella Duncan and watches unobserved.) 

Stella. Ahem ! 

(Xellie and Jack start.) 

Both. Oh ! ! 

(Nellie rushes off.) 

Jack (in despair). Don't leave me. 

Stella (loftily). I'm very sorry to interrupt you, 
Mr. Bolton. I only came to fetch my fan that I left 
here. I suppose you are aware that this should be 
our dance. 

Jack (dazed). No, is it really? How time flies, 
but if we are quick we can still dance the last bit of it 
together 



10 "D. H. S." 

Stella. No, thank you ; I don't want to dance. 
Jack (still dazed). Good, then sit down here, 
there's a nice soft cushion, and I want to speak to you 
Stella. Thank you, I'd rather not — it's draughty 
and I haven't got my cloak. 

Jack. No, no, don't say that ; don't send me 
back to fetch it. I mean — I want to tell you some- 
thing. I like you better than heaps of other girls that 
I've met. I'm sure you don't believe me, but won't 
you be my guiding star — ■ — (Takes her hand and 
tries to kiss her.) 

Stella. How dare you— how dare you have the 
impertinence to insult me in such a manner ? 

Jack. I'm not insulting you. I'm making love. 
Stella. If you think you can treat me in the same 
light fashion that you did that woman, you make a 
great mistake. 

Jack. She isn't a woman, she's my cousin and she 
was only trying to help me — out of kindness to me — • 
and you— oh, what am I talking about ! ! ! 
Stella. I believe you've been drinking. 
Jack. On my honour, Stella darling, I've not. 
Stella. My name is Miss Duncan, if you please. 
Jack. Just let me expla ; n. It was all because of 
you that I was talking to Nellie when you came in. 
Stella. Talking indeed ! kissing. Kindly don't 
speak to me of thai brazen female. 
Jack. But she's not brazen. 
Stella. Indeed ! 

Jack. I say, you know, you mustn't think of 
Nellie as brazen. 

Stella. Do you imagine for one moment that I 
take sufficient interest in her to think of her. I can't 
discuss the kind of person that makes love to a man 
at a dance. 

(Jack sighs.) 
What are you sighing for ? 
Jack. I was only thinking 



"D. H. S." 11 

Stella. I believe you're in love with her. 

Jack. In love with Nellie ! ! (Aside.) Not a bad 
idea. 

Stella. Well ! 

Jack. What were we talking about ? 

Stella. Really, Mr. Bolton, if I'm boring you, 
I'll go. 

Jack (getting up). Not at all. Shall I escort you 
back to the ball-room, Miss Duncan ? (Offering his 
arm.) 

(They go off [together, Stella furious, Jack] returning 
almost im mediately.) 

Jack. Glad I found her out in time. What a cat. 

(Enter Nellie.) 

Nellie. Satisfactorily fixed up, Jack ? 

Jack. No, by Gad, I'm not. 

Nellie (smiling). I'm so sorry, Jack ; I suppose 
she saw. 

Jack. She did. 

NEllie. I had an inkling she did, and I don't 
believe she loves me for it either. 

Jack. She doesn't. 

(Nellie looks at Jack, who is rigid. Pause.) 

Nellie. I can quite understand that you are 
disappointed, but you must try and pull yourself 
together. 

Jack (suddenly) . I 'm not disappointed, I 'm happy, 
radiantly happy. 

Nellie. I'm very glad to hear it — but I don't 
think I quite understand. 

Jack. Nellie, I've made a mistake ; I am not in 
love with Stella. 

(Nellie looks perplexed.) 

No, she led me to believe that I was in love with 
some one else, and she was right. 



12 "D. H. S." 

Nellie. Oh, Jack, dear, not again. 

Jack. For the first and last time. 

Nellie. I wonder ! 

Jack. Just to think that I might have married 
Stella and found out too late that I love you. 

Nellie. Me ! What on- earth are you talking 
about ? 

Jack. I love you, Nellie, you and nobody else. 
We were made for each other. Just think how happy 
we should be, you with your money, me with my 
prospects. 

Nellie (getting up). I can't listen to any more as 
I've got to keep an appointment now. 

(Jack gasps.) 

Yes, I'm so sorry to have to interrupt you, but I'm 
to meet Lord Melpas in the conservatory. 

Jack. Lord, help us, in the conservatory ! 

Nellie. He wants a definite answer to-night, and 
he's going to get it — the one he wants. (Goes to door, 
stops, waves her hand.) Bye bye, D.H.S. (Laughs.) 

(Exit Nellie.) 

(Jack gazes open-mouthed. Pause.) 

Jack. Great Scott ! the chuck. (Flops down in 
chair.) 

Curtain. 



Printed by Butler & Tanner, Frome and London. 



Is. 6d. net Edition. 



[ment 
Erperi- 



Adventure of Lady Ursula 

AU'Of-a-Sudden Peggy 

An American Citizen 

Bear Leaders 

Beauty and the Barge 

Billy's Little Love Affair 

Brace of Partridges 

Brixton Burglary 

Captain Swift 

Cassilis Engagement 

Charity that Began at Home 

Country Mouse 

Dr. Wake's Patient 

Duke of Killicrankie 

Facing the Music 

Fascinating Mr. Vanderveldt 

Idler 

Importance of Being Earnest 

In Chancery 

Jedbury Junior 

Lady Huntworth's 

Lady Windermere's Fan 

Liberty Hall 

Little Damozel 

Lucky Miss Dean 

Marriage of Kitty 

Mice and Men 

Miss Elizabeth's Prisoner 

Miss Hobbs 

Mollentrave on Women 

Mr. Hopkinson 

2s. 6d 

The Barrier 

Builder of Bridges 

Case of Rebellious Susan 

Dancing Girl 

Fascinating Mr. Vanderveldt 

The Hypocrites 

John Glayde'a Honour 

Joseph Entangled 

liars 



Mr. Preedy and the Countess 

Naked Truth 

New Boy 

Niobe 

Oh ! Susannah ! 

One Summer's Day 

Parvenu 

Passport 

Perfect Lover 

Peter's Mother 

Pilkerton's Peerage 

Private Secretary 

Public Opinion 

Return of the Prodigal 

Rocket 

Royal Family 

Second in Command 

Sir Anthony 

Snug Little Kingdom 

Speckled Band 

Squire [Brown 

Strange Adventures of Miss 

Sunlight and Shadow 

Tantalising Tommy 

Two Mr. Wetherbys 

Walker, London 

Walls of Jericho 

When We were Twenty-Ona 

Wilderness 

Wisdom of Folly 

Witness for the Defence 

Woodbarrow Farm 

net Library Edition. 

Manoeuvres of Jane 
Masqueraders 
Middleman 

Mollentrave on Women 
Mrs. Dane's Defence 
Perfect Lover 
Perplexed Husband 
Silver King 
Walls ot Jericho 



LIBRARY 



CONGRESS 



FRENCH'S ACTING EDITIC 



?284 
22.S6 

22*6 

mi 

2288 

v>&* 

2290 
tZtfl 

229" 

K9i 

2295 



VOLUME 153 

Mr. Steinmanu's 

Corner 
Slift'a A polony 
Colour Sergeant 
Helpless Coupio 
First Aid to the 

Wounded 
Correal Thing 
Their New Paying 

Guest [nient 

Domestic B .tangle- 
Salt of Lite 
Time Is Money 
Wally and the 

Widow ISmiths 
Deceitful Mi-8 
Holly Tree Inn 



Cp-to-date 



Dp- to 
lift of 



Old Chelsea 



VOLUME 15i 
2«»« Wrong Side of the 

Road 
8297 The Open Door 
M»8 Prima Donna (Peua 

berton) 
8299 Lights Out (Fern- 

berton) 

2300 Mirror of Time 

2301 Three Blind Mice 

(Muskerry) 
<S02 Privy Council 
8805 Snowed up wHh a 

Duchess 
8804 Acacia Cottage 
2105 Fabricate 
2S06 Compromising 

Martha 
tan? R«st Cure . 
1*08 Misses Primrose's 

Deception 
2303 Ejection of Aunt, 

Lucinda 
8510 Oucle Dick's Darling 

VOLUME 155 
2811 That Horrid Major 
2*12 Bardweli v. Pick- 
wick [a*i*a 
ZS13 House of Nightin- 
2«14 Turtle Doves [der 
821 ?> Superior Mws Pelleu- 
X3J8 il'.a uood Genius 
2H17 Martha Plays the 
Fairy 

2318 numb Cake 

2319 Proposing by Proxy 

2320 Phoenix 

2321 Boar wain's Mate 

2322 Pinal Rehearsal 

2323 Two Aunts at a Time 

2324 Nelson Touch 

2325 Convict on the 

Hearth 

VOLUME 160 

2329 Grey Parrot 
£327 Ghost of Jerry 

Bundler 
8328 Bishop's Candle 

sticks 
2320 Peacemaker 

2330 Changeling 

2331 Wire Entanglement 
*832 Pride of Regiment 




2333 •« 15 

2334 Man 

2335 O'D 

2836 '"g 014 432 692 1 

2337 Drama-tin* «v „x™™ 

2338 Martha the Sooth- 

sayer. 

2339 Old Martha, 1#. [l». 

2340 All Through Martha 



ich, 



orye 



VOLUME 157 

2341 Men who Loved 

Mamie 

2342 Fanny and the Ser- 

vant Problem 
284? Come Michaelmas 
2344 Teeth of the Gift 

Horse 
234r> French as he is spoke 

2346 Meriugues 

2347 Mother of Three 
2848 Admiral Peters 

2349 Henrietta 

2350 Feed the Brute. 1*. 

2351 Tilda's New Hat. U 

2352 We Dine at Seven 

2353 Boys' Proposal 

2354 Bonnie Dundee 

2355 Suffragette . 

VOLUME 158 

2356 The Visit 

2357 A Well Matched PaU 

2358 For Lack of Evi- 

dence 
2859 Little Mrs. Cunirai. 

2360 A Tight Comer 

2361 Dear Departed 

2362 Pipers Pay 

2363 Her Vote 

2364 The Electric Man 

2365 At the Golden Goose 
2306 Her Dearest Krien.l 

2367 Love in a Railway 

Train 

2368 Make Believe 

2369 Pick of Oakham 
2870 Highwayman 

VOLUME 159 
2371 What Would a Gen- 
tleman Do 7 
2872 An Excellent Receipt 
2373 Parents' Progress 



2392 Hero and Heroine. 

239S Jack and Jill and 

a Friend. 

2394 The Touch of Truth. 

2395 My Mutual Agree- 

ment. 
2398 Dick's Sister. 

2397 A Storm in a T-a- 

Shop. 

2398 The Man in the Stalls 

2399 My Wife 

2*00 A Plume of Feathers 

VOLUME 161 

2401 Stuffing 

2402 Cupid and the Styx 

2403 The Admiral Speaks 

2404 The Constant Lover 

2405 The Bracelet 

2408 The Dove Uncaged 

2407 The Great Look 

2408 Calamity Jane, R.N 

2409 In Saramede 

2410 A Dear Little Wife 

2411 Fancy Free [Butter 

2412 The Embarrassed 

2413 A Question of Divi- 

sion 

2414 The Odd Man Out 

2415 An Object Lesson 

VOLUME 162* 

2416 A Sister to Assist Vr 

2417 Wake-up, John Bull ( 

2418 The Cat and Mie 

Cherub 

2419 The Likes O' Me 

2420 Sealed Silver 

2421 The Colonel and the 

Lady 

2422 A Maid of Honour 
2428 The Election Petition 

2424 A Bit O' Stuff 

2425 The Fortune Tellers 

2426 Aunt Bessie 

2427 A Little Fowl Play 

2428 Looking for Trouble 

2429 The Touch of a Child 



2874 Younger Generation, j 2430 Playing the Game 

1« 

2875 Three Blind Mlc» I 
(Law) 



2378 Laughter in Court 

2377 Pot Luck 

2378 Independent Means 

1*. 
2. 79 Duchess of Dohertj 

. Court 
_'380 Wiles of the Widow 
..')8l The Mobswoman 
28.fi; An Imaginary Aunt 
238:> Lady Flora's Name- 
sake 
2384 W hat Charity Covers 
2386 Patty Packs a Bag 
YOLCME 160 

2386 The Oak Settle 

2387 Scaring Off of Teddy 

Dawson 



VOLUME 163 

2431 Squire of the Night 

2432 Cheerful Knave 

2433 Clearly and Concisely 

2434 King's Cup 

2435 The Young Napoleon 

2436 The Chance 

2437 A Love Passage 

2438 The Suffragette's Re- 

demption 

2439 In the Library 

2440 The Price of Fame 

2441 Tubby and Gawks 

2442 The Burglar and the 

Girl 

2443 Fancy Dress 

2444 My Lord from Town 

2445 A Domestic Problem 



